Chapter Ten
A New Friend
Tom and Sarah were ripped out of their slumber by loud bangs and cracks emanating from the living room. They came running into the room, only to see me wielding a crowbar, tearing up the floor. In their minds, they probably thought I had completely lost my mind. It did not help that in my haste to get to work, I never even bothered to move furniture out of the way.
I had just started, and I did not even notice them come in. I had just finished exposing the subflooring under the Spot when Tom grabbed my arm to stop me.
"What the hell are you doing?!" he yelled.
I was stunned. It was only the second time I had ever heard him curse, and it made me completely stop as I tried to think of a response. Words failed me, so using my free hand I reached into my pocket and produced Steve's list. Tom's eyes opened wide when he noticed I was wearing my wedding ring, but did not say anything. After reading the list, he gave it back. He shot me a questioning look. I nodded my head to answer his implied question. He visibly relaxed as he released his grip.
"Sarah, help me clear out the furniture," Tom said, beginning to grab things to move out of my way.
"What's going on?" She asked, completely lost.
"Trust me, everything is fine, just give me a hand," he told her as I got back to work ripping up floor boards.
When they had mostly cleared the space, Tom asked if I had another crowbar he could use. Sarah was still clueless, but she seemed to accept that Tom knew what I was doing. I handed Tom the crowbar I had been using.
"I'll be right back," I said aloud, but probably more to myself than to them.
"Will someone please tell me what's going on? Where are you going Scott?" Sarah had nearly hit her limit of being left in the dark.
"Don't worry about it; I just need to take care of something."
I turned and walked out the front door towards my car, whistling as I went.
"Tom, since Scott won't explain what's going on, will you? I'm so confused right now. I wake up to Scott ripping up the floor. First you try to stop him, then you want to help him, and now he just walked away. Where is he going?" Sarah asked as soon as I left.
"I have no idea where he went, but he must have a plan. I think I understand why he's doing this, but it would be better if he explained it to you."
While not happy with the answer she received, Sarah realized it as the best she would get and continued to move things out of the way. By the time I returned, about ninety minutes later, she had managed to clear most of the furniture out of the living room and kitchen, filling the hallway. Tom had worked quickly, and had ripped up about half of the flooring in the living room.
"Where the hell have you been? I thought you were just going down the street to buy a damn crowbar. It shouldn't have taken that long," Sarah demanded angrily as soon as I walked in the door.
"I did, but negotiating took more time than I thought it would," I offered, as if that explained everything.
"What does that mean? Tom seems to have an idea as to what's going on, but I'm still completely in the dark here!"
"Sorry Sarah, I haven't been fair to you this morning. I entered something of a zone when I started, and I wasn't able to put my thoughts into words. We'll go out to brunch before too long, and I'll explain everything to you."
"Okay, as long as you finally fill me in. Speaking of brunch, I'm hungry. Are you ready to go now?"
"Not yet, we just have to wait a bit. I'm expecting…"
Before I could finish the thought, the doorbell rang.
"That would be them."
I opened the door and, and let in the carpenters. They looked unhappy to be there, but that was understandable. None of them had planned to work on a Sunday morning. When they came in, I showed them the living room. They seemed surprised we started without them. I asked if they would be able to easily get the living room, kitchen, and hallway to the bedrooms finished in one day. I was not originally expecting to redo the floors, so the bedrooms and office were not ready.
They told me it would not be a problem, and they would finish around dinner time. I thanked them exuberantly, and the three of us quickly moved the furniture out of the hallway and into the bedrooms while the contractors started working. With that accomplished, Tom, Sarah, and I left to get some food.
After we had ordered at my favorite brunch spot in town, I explained Steve's obsession with to-do lists to Sarah, and showed her the one I found that morning.
"I know it's a little impulsive, but I suddenly felt extremely motivated, something I haven't been in a long time. I'm sorry for worrying and confusing you two, but I just felt like it was something I had to do. I originally was just going to get a second crowbar, but when I was leaving, I decided to check out the store where Steve and I found the new floors we wanted. Fortunately, it was open, so I went in to talk to them. It turns out they had the floors in stock.
"I originally planned on installing the new floor myself, but at that moment, I realized I wanted to get it done as fast as possible. It took a lot of negotiating before we could work out terms they were happy with in order to bring contractors in at the last minute on a Sunday," I explained. As I spoke, I was gesturing animatedly with my hands, and Sarah noticed for the first time I was wearing my wedding ring.
"Wow, Scott. Yeah, I was worried, but after seeing the list I guess I understand. You've made a lot of progress in the last few days. You're wearing your ring again, there's a bounce in your step, your smile seems to be genuine, and your eyes have a glow about them that I haven't seen since Steve died. Does this have anything to do with the crush you have on Noah?"
"No, shut up," I responded immediately, before realizing my outburst had all but confirmed it did. I had to think a minute before continuing. Neither of them knew Steve had communicated with me, and I didn't want them to think that my mind had snapped as I explained.
"I guess it does. Yesterday, I went for a run, and ended up back at the cemetery. I talked to Steve for a long time, and told him my feelings about Noah. I told him how guilty I felt about them, and that I wanted a sign he didn't want me to pursue anything with Noah. It's not like he spoke to me, or anything, but I got the sense he was fine with my feelings.
"It was the first time I actually believed I might be able to stop dwelling on my pain. I can keep all the wonderful memories I have of Steve, but it might be okay to let go of the hurt. I think I can actually feel better about everything without having to lose my connection to Steve.
"I'm not saying I'm going to pursue a relationship with Noah, or anything. I just realized it would be okay if I started paying more attention to how I'm feeling, and less on what Steve would think. Unfortunately, he's not here anymore, and he would want me to have every chance in the world at happiness."
As I explained, I had to wipe away a few tears, and both Sarah and Tom's eyes were moist. We continued to chat throughout brunch, but never on any heavy subjects. Afterwards, we went around the city, killing time, before returning home.
When we arrived, the contractors were almost finished for the day. The new floors looked amazing, and I knew Steve would have loved them. I had forgotten how excited he had been at the prospect of the first major renovation to our house.
Once the contractors left, the three of us returned the furniture to where it belonged before moving on to the bedrooms. The old flooring seemed to complement the new flooring well enough, so I decided not to have the floor in Steve's office redone. Even though I had made a lot of progress, I wasn't ready to start going through Steve's possessions yet.
We moved everything out of the three bedrooms except for the beds themselves. Tom suggested we go ahead and remove the bed in his room, as he could always sleep in Sarah's room, like he had been. He looked a little uncomfortable as he suggested the idea, but I didn't think anything of it.
After we had finished, we sat in the living room for a while and talked before calling it a night.
– – – * * * – – –
Monday morning arrived, and I opened my eyes. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I had some fantastic dreams the night before, even if I could not recall them. I awoke happier than I could recall being in a very long time. I knew today was going to be a great day.
After a quick shower, I got dressed, paying close attention to what I wore. Today was the day I would meet Will's friend, and I figured I should try to make a good first impression. I did not really know why I wanted to impress the person, but it just felt right. Recently, doing whatever felt right had been working out so well for me, I decided to embrace it. I was already beginning to see the improvement in my body since I had started going to the gym. It seemed like my arms and chest were a bit more defined, and my stomach was a little flatter than it had been. I had a long way to go in order to get back to where I had been, but there was definite progress.
For the first time in over a year, I took the time to style my hair. Granted, I had used product a handful of times, but I never really fussed over it. I spent close to twenty minutes trying to get my hair to do exactly what I wanted it to.
We quickly removed the beds from the bedrooms, so that the contractors could replace the floors, then I sat on the couch for a while and did some work before leaving the house to meet Will and his friend. Just before I left, I took one last glance in the mirror to make sure I looked exactly the way I wanted it.
After a quick shower, I got dressed, paying close attention to what I wore. Today was the day I would meet Will's friend, and I figured I should try to make a good first impression. I did not really know why I wanted to impress the person, but it just felt right. Recently, doing whatever felt right had been working out so well for me, I decided to embrace it. I was already beginning to see the improvement in my body since I had started going to the gym. It seemed like my arms and chest were a bit more defined, and my stomach was a little flatter than it had been. I had a long way to go in order to get back to where I had been, but there was definite progress.
For the first time in over a year, I took the time to style my hair. Granted, I had used product a handful of times, but I never really fussed over it. I spent close to twenty minutes trying to get my hair to do exactly what I wanted it to.
We quickly removed the beds from the bedrooms, so that the contractors could replace the floors, then I sat on the couch for a while and did some work before leaving the house to meet Will and his friend. Just before I left, I took one last glance in the mirror to make sure I looked exactly the way I wanted it.
– – – * * * – – –
I made sure to arrive a few minutes late. I was not sure if the two would arrive together or not. Granted, I would not recognize the other guy, but I wanted to avoid being alone with Will if he showed up early by himself.
I walked in and immediately looked around, trying to find Will. In the corner, I saw someone I definitely wasn't expecting. Noah was sitting there, facing the entrance, talking animatedly to someone. I could not see who it was, partially because his back was to me, but mostly because I was enthralled by Noah's presence.
As I stood there, staring for a few seconds – although it felt like an eternity – I felt myself becoming agitated. I couldn't quite describe the sensation, as it had been so long since I had last experienced it. I think the closest emotion that could describe it accurately would be jealousy.
I decided to leave. I figured I would call Will and apologize profusely for standing him and his friend up. I would just set another date to meet them. I could always claim that something came up, so long as they did not see me.
When I had reached the door, I heard someone call my name. Turning around, I discovered it was Noah. His eyes were sparkling, and I wanted to kick myself for allowing my knees to go weak for a moment. Noah beckoned me over to the table, so I made my way over to him, taking the opportunity to search for Will and his friend. I decided I would greet Noah quickly, and make a quick exit if I did not see them. As I neared the table, I finally got the opportunity to see who was sitting with Noah. When I did, I was even more surprised when I spotted who was with him; it was Will!
Will moved to a neighboring seat so I could sit across from Noah. He seemed surprised Noah had called out my name. Before we had a chance to greet each other, Will started the conversation.
"Wait… do you two know each other?"
"Yeah, Scott and I met at the gym last week. He's the one I told you about. Remember, the guy I had saved on the bench press? I guess I never mentioned his name. We worked out together a few times last week, actually. Why?"
I am positive Noah had noticed the distinct change in my appearance by that point, but he did not say anything about it. He may have even seen the wedding ring, which I somehow felt slightly self-conscious to be wearing at the moment, but I was less sure about that.
Will looked a little agitated, as he had just found out why I had changed my workout schedule, but he quickly pushed it aside.
"Well, even though you two seem to already know each other, let me introduce you to Scott, the person I was telling you about. Scott, this is Noah, one of my best friends. He's been there for me whenever I needed someone to talk to."
Neither of us responded to him. Noah’s eyes had locked onto mine shortly after I sat down, and I had become predictably lost in the golden pools before me. I could feel his gaze piercing into my soul, and I could not help but wonder if he had become just as lost in my eyes as I had in his.
I'm not sure how long we just sat there staring at each other, but in reality it was probably less than a minute before Will cleared his throat, causing us to break our trance. I glanced over at Will, and he was clearly uncomfortable.
"You know… I just… uh… thought of a few things I should really… um… get done today. I think I'll go ahead and head out, but you two should definitely talk. Scott, you can trust him, so open up, I promise he’s a good listener."
With that, Will stood up and quickly left. I could not help but wonder if Will's strange reaction was somehow due to jealousy over the fact I had already met Noah. The two of us stared at each other awkwardly for a few minutes, neither knowing exactly how to begin the conversation. Finally, it was Noah who broke the tension.
"I wonder what the hell got into him," Noah said, clearly a bit confused. "I've never really seen him act like this. He's usually very calm and collected no matter what happens."
I knew – or at least had a very good idea – what caused Will to act that way, but I did not feel like sharing it with Noah at the moment.
"Anyway, Scott, I know I asked you at the gym if you wanted to talk about what you were going through and you weren't interested. Has that changed? If it has, I'm more than willing to listen."
I looked down at my coffee and began to idly play with my ring. After a moment, I just nodded my head.
"I'm sure you're a good listener, and if Will trusts you, then I can too. It's just very…" I choked up a little as I was saying that, and it took me a moment to find my voice before I could finish the thought. "… It's hard for me to talk about."
If Noah had not noticed my ring when I first came over, he clearly had by now. Before I got the chance to say anything, he took spoke up again.
"You look different today. I mean that in a good way, of course. I don't know anything about what you've been through, but I can't help but wonder what caused the changes since Thursday. Maybe it's just that you knew you were going to the gym, and didn't want to spend the effort only to have it ruined by sweat, but then there's your ring…"
Noah’s voice trailed off at the mention of the ring. It was clear he had not quite pieced the story together, but he was definitely trying to. I decided it was time to tell him the whole story. Well, not the entire story, but I could at least start from the beginning, and take it from there.
"Let me start from the beginning. Bear with me, because it's very painful for me to think about, let alone discuss…"
Over the next two hours, I proceeded to tell him everything. I started with the day Steve died. I told him about the funeral, and everything that happened between Will and me. I even told him about my desire to remain as close as possible to the spot where Steve had died. I thought about glossing over some of the more lurid details, but I realized that in order to explain why I left town I would have to explain how Will had betrayed my trust. I felt bad about painting Noah's good friend in a bad light, but I seemed unable to stop. I did, however, leave out the two times Steve had come to me while I was asleep.
I spared no detail about how I spent my time out of town. I almost left out the details of my sexual excursions in Washington, but that was more out of concern for what he would think of me than anything. I hoped he would understand, especially since I was not exactly proud of my actions in hindsight.
I was planning on stopping my narrative when I arrived back in Atlanta, but my mouth inexplicably kept going. I told him about my first visit back to Steve's grave, my reunion with Will, and our agreement to go back to the gym. I managed to stop there, fortunately. I knew if I kept going and explained everything that happened after meeting him, Noah would realize my feelings for him, and I would scare him off, especially since he played such a major role in my recent transition.
Several times while I was retelling my story, I had to stop and wipe tears from my cheeks, or clear my throat. Noah had tears in his eyes the entire time. I was not surprised to see him tear up a little, but I did not expect him to make no attempt to mask his tears. He did not seem ashamed of them, as he only wiped them away when they started to fall down his face.
Once I reached the point in my story before I met Noah, we sat in silence for several minutes. I wanted to give him a chance to process everything I had just said, and respond. It was not uncomfortable, just neither of us knew what to say.
"Scott, I… shit. I don't even know what to say," Noah said eventually. "You told me you had gone through a lot in the past year, but I never imagined it was anything quite like… well, everything. My initial reaction is to say something like 'I'm sorry for what you went through,' but that just seems contrite and slightly condescending. I do have a few questions, though. I don't want to pry, but if you don't mind, I'd like to understand a few things better."
He seemed to be taking everything better than I had expected. I had anticipated his first words would be some standard generic statement of sympathy. I really appreciated that they were not.
"I've told you so much already. I'm not sure you can unleash any emotions from me, so go ahead. I'll answer everything the best I can."
"I just can't get over the changes I see in you since Thursday. You're dressed in stylish clothes, and you're hair… well, it looks amazing. I'm not just talking about your clothes and hair, though. When you came in today, you looked… I don't know… happier than I've seen you before. Is that his…"
Noah allowed his voice to trail off again, gesturing towards my wedding ring. Since I had not worn it until Saturday, I could not blame him for asking about it.
"Yes, it's the ring Steve gave me when he proposed about three years ago. After what happened with Will, I felt too guilty to wear it anymore, so I took it off before I left town. After everything that happened this past weekend, it just felt right to start wearing it again. I also woke up today feeling like I should go back to paying attention to my appearance. I haven't cared in too damn long," I explained.
"Scott, I hope you know I would have never said anything even remotely flirtatious if I had even the slightest inkling as to what you were going through. I can't help but feel like such an ass. But then I see you now, and it's impossible for me to not notice what a good-looking man you are."
Noah realized what he said as soon as the words left his mouth. I grew uncomfortable and felt blood rush to my face as I turned red.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that to come out that way. Please…"
I cut him off.
"No, it's okay. I knew what you meant. Besides, as you said, you didn't know. Yes, your words scared me off a bit, but after a lot of thinking, I realized it would be stupid to hold them against you."
We both sat there in silence for a minute or so. I was too flustered to initiate any conversation, and I was sure he had more questions, so I waited for him to ask.
"You mentioned something happening this weekend that caused you to change your mind about wearing your wedding ring. Is it okay if I ask what it was?"
"It is. Like I said, I'll answer anything you ask. You're just trying to get a better understanding of everything that's happened. Honestly, it's nice to be able to talk to someone again."
I told him about the weekend, starting with my decision to cover the Spot while cleaning on Friday. I told him about my jog on Saturday. I did not tell him he was my reason for talking to Steve, but I did tell him I felt Steve sent me a sign telling me he wanted me to stop dwelling so much on the pain and begin looking to the future.
I knew he wanted to cut me off and ask about the sign, but I just held up my hand. I wanted to get the rest of it out before I got distracted.
After I told him about Steve's list that I found and my decision to replace the floors immediately, I told him, "Now I'm sure you want to ask me why I think Steve sent me a sign."
"Well, yes and no. For the record, I don't doubt you at all. I've always believed loved ones are fully capable of communicating from beyond the grave. I'm more wondering if that was the first time Steve sent you a message."
I admitted it was not, and started off by describing the more mundane things that had happened the previous two times I had gone to the cemetery. I even told him Steve had whispered in my ear once. Obviously I didn't tell him it was mere moments before I had first laid eyes on Noah.
I paused, trying to decide if I should tell him about the times Steve came to me in my dreams, but I figured I had already explained so much, and he had not freaked out on me yet. Besides, I told him what Will had done, and my conversations with Steve helped to explain a lot of my reaction. I decided to go for broke and tell him.
I was almost disappointed with his reaction. I had half-expected him to act like I had completely lost my mind, but he just nodded his head. When I had finished, I asked him if he thought I was just imagining it.
"Not at all. Besides, even if I didn't believe you, you believe it, and that alone attests to your sanity in my mind. Steve was such an important person in your life. It'd be impossible for you to not try to find some way for him continue to be a part of it.
"But I believe he did send you signals and spoke to you. The way you describe how unsettled you felt afterwards is completely different from how anyone would expect to feel, which is exactly why I have no doubt he did.
"Going back to the last two visits to the cemetery, are you sure you didn't leave anything out? You mentioned he sent messages, but you never explained what you were hoping to hear from him."
I could not answer his question, even if I wanted to. There was just no way I was about to tell the hunk of a man sitting across from me that I could not get him out of my head. I just lowered my head and blushed. He unavoidably noticed that I was unable to look him in the eyes. Fortunately, he decided to graciously change the subject.
"Will told me you are averse to all forms of therapy, is that true?"
"I don't need to see a shrink. I never did. I've always known what my problem was. Why?"
"Because I have an idea. It's not therapy, technically. It's just something I've been doing for a long time when I have a lot on my mind. I find it's a better form of stress relief than even working out, if you'll give it a chance, I guarantee it will work. Would you be willing to trust me?"
The twinkle in his eyes was back in full force, and I could not help but stare at them for a moment. They were just too damn mesmerizing. I did not want to say 'yes', but staring at those eyes, there was no way I could bring myself to say 'no'.
"I don't know, Noah. It's not that I don't trust you, but…"
"Great! Then it's settled. Meet me here Thursday at eight. Oh, and just to make sure you don't get the wrong impression, feel free to bring anyone else you want."
"You're not going to give me a chance to say no, are you?"
"Not on your life, buddy," Noah said with a laugh.
"Will you at least tell me exactly what we're doing?"
"I'll just tell you that it's an alternative form of therapy, and it's guaranteed to work if you just keep an open mind."
I was really skeptical, but knew I would end up saying 'yes'. He had readily invited Tom and Sarah along without me even asking, so I was not worried he might possibly misconstrue this as a date. I did trust Noah, even though I didn't know him well, and if he told me it would help, and it wasn't therapy, I decided to give it a chance.
"Is Will going to be there?" I asked him.
"Hmmm… I hadn't thought about that. He usually goes with me, but I think it would be better if he didn't. When he told me what happened between the two of you, it was fairly generic, how 'he screwed up’ and stuff like that. Granted, he didn't even tell me you were the same guy he was crushing on last year. To hear your side, I think he fucked up bad. Don't get me wrong, Will is normally a really nice guy. I'm not sure what the hell got into him.
"We had talked about the guy he was spending so much time with. He never told me what you had been through, just that he wanted to help. I knew he had feelings, but I thought he'd made it clear he wasn't going to do anything so stupid. "Anyway, if you want him there, I'll bring him along. Otherwise, I think I'll just tell him to sit this one out, if that's alright with you."
"That's actually what I was hoping for. I wouldn't mind being friends with him eventually, but when I see him, all I can think about is everything that happened that night," I told Noah.
I was grateful to not have to ask him to ditch his friend. While I did not want Will there, I would have felt really bad asking Noah to not invite him.
I thanked Noah, and gave him a grin. He responded in kind, and his eyes gave off their glorious sparkle. As I felt myself beginning to be drawn into them, I blinked to clear my head. He noticed, and we both looked away, blushing.
As we left, he stopped me at the entrance. "Just promise me one thing, Scott."
"What's that?"
I was a little concerned about the idea of having to make a promise about Thursday night.
"I just want you to keep an open mind. You don't have to participate if you don't want to. But if you do, I want you to really put in an effort."
I walked in and immediately looked around, trying to find Will. In the corner, I saw someone I definitely wasn't expecting. Noah was sitting there, facing the entrance, talking animatedly to someone. I could not see who it was, partially because his back was to me, but mostly because I was enthralled by Noah's presence.
As I stood there, staring for a few seconds – although it felt like an eternity – I felt myself becoming agitated. I couldn't quite describe the sensation, as it had been so long since I had last experienced it. I think the closest emotion that could describe it accurately would be jealousy.
I decided to leave. I figured I would call Will and apologize profusely for standing him and his friend up. I would just set another date to meet them. I could always claim that something came up, so long as they did not see me.
When I had reached the door, I heard someone call my name. Turning around, I discovered it was Noah. His eyes were sparkling, and I wanted to kick myself for allowing my knees to go weak for a moment. Noah beckoned me over to the table, so I made my way over to him, taking the opportunity to search for Will and his friend. I decided I would greet Noah quickly, and make a quick exit if I did not see them. As I neared the table, I finally got the opportunity to see who was sitting with Noah. When I did, I was even more surprised when I spotted who was with him; it was Will!
Will moved to a neighboring seat so I could sit across from Noah. He seemed surprised Noah had called out my name. Before we had a chance to greet each other, Will started the conversation.
"Wait… do you two know each other?"
"Yeah, Scott and I met at the gym last week. He's the one I told you about. Remember, the guy I had saved on the bench press? I guess I never mentioned his name. We worked out together a few times last week, actually. Why?"
I am positive Noah had noticed the distinct change in my appearance by that point, but he did not say anything about it. He may have even seen the wedding ring, which I somehow felt slightly self-conscious to be wearing at the moment, but I was less sure about that.
Will looked a little agitated, as he had just found out why I had changed my workout schedule, but he quickly pushed it aside.
"Well, even though you two seem to already know each other, let me introduce you to Scott, the person I was telling you about. Scott, this is Noah, one of my best friends. He's been there for me whenever I needed someone to talk to."
Neither of us responded to him. Noah’s eyes had locked onto mine shortly after I sat down, and I had become predictably lost in the golden pools before me. I could feel his gaze piercing into my soul, and I could not help but wonder if he had become just as lost in my eyes as I had in his.
I'm not sure how long we just sat there staring at each other, but in reality it was probably less than a minute before Will cleared his throat, causing us to break our trance. I glanced over at Will, and he was clearly uncomfortable.
"You know… I just… uh… thought of a few things I should really… um… get done today. I think I'll go ahead and head out, but you two should definitely talk. Scott, you can trust him, so open up, I promise he’s a good listener."
With that, Will stood up and quickly left. I could not help but wonder if Will's strange reaction was somehow due to jealousy over the fact I had already met Noah. The two of us stared at each other awkwardly for a few minutes, neither knowing exactly how to begin the conversation. Finally, it was Noah who broke the tension.
"I wonder what the hell got into him," Noah said, clearly a bit confused. "I've never really seen him act like this. He's usually very calm and collected no matter what happens."
I knew – or at least had a very good idea – what caused Will to act that way, but I did not feel like sharing it with Noah at the moment.
"Anyway, Scott, I know I asked you at the gym if you wanted to talk about what you were going through and you weren't interested. Has that changed? If it has, I'm more than willing to listen."
I looked down at my coffee and began to idly play with my ring. After a moment, I just nodded my head.
"I'm sure you're a good listener, and if Will trusts you, then I can too. It's just very…" I choked up a little as I was saying that, and it took me a moment to find my voice before I could finish the thought. "… It's hard for me to talk about."
If Noah had not noticed my ring when I first came over, he clearly had by now. Before I got the chance to say anything, he took spoke up again.
"You look different today. I mean that in a good way, of course. I don't know anything about what you've been through, but I can't help but wonder what caused the changes since Thursday. Maybe it's just that you knew you were going to the gym, and didn't want to spend the effort only to have it ruined by sweat, but then there's your ring…"
Noah’s voice trailed off at the mention of the ring. It was clear he had not quite pieced the story together, but he was definitely trying to. I decided it was time to tell him the whole story. Well, not the entire story, but I could at least start from the beginning, and take it from there.
"Let me start from the beginning. Bear with me, because it's very painful for me to think about, let alone discuss…"
Over the next two hours, I proceeded to tell him everything. I started with the day Steve died. I told him about the funeral, and everything that happened between Will and me. I even told him about my desire to remain as close as possible to the spot where Steve had died. I thought about glossing over some of the more lurid details, but I realized that in order to explain why I left town I would have to explain how Will had betrayed my trust. I felt bad about painting Noah's good friend in a bad light, but I seemed unable to stop. I did, however, leave out the two times Steve had come to me while I was asleep.
I spared no detail about how I spent my time out of town. I almost left out the details of my sexual excursions in Washington, but that was more out of concern for what he would think of me than anything. I hoped he would understand, especially since I was not exactly proud of my actions in hindsight.
I was planning on stopping my narrative when I arrived back in Atlanta, but my mouth inexplicably kept going. I told him about my first visit back to Steve's grave, my reunion with Will, and our agreement to go back to the gym. I managed to stop there, fortunately. I knew if I kept going and explained everything that happened after meeting him, Noah would realize my feelings for him, and I would scare him off, especially since he played such a major role in my recent transition.
Several times while I was retelling my story, I had to stop and wipe tears from my cheeks, or clear my throat. Noah had tears in his eyes the entire time. I was not surprised to see him tear up a little, but I did not expect him to make no attempt to mask his tears. He did not seem ashamed of them, as he only wiped them away when they started to fall down his face.
Once I reached the point in my story before I met Noah, we sat in silence for several minutes. I wanted to give him a chance to process everything I had just said, and respond. It was not uncomfortable, just neither of us knew what to say.
"Scott, I… shit. I don't even know what to say," Noah said eventually. "You told me you had gone through a lot in the past year, but I never imagined it was anything quite like… well, everything. My initial reaction is to say something like 'I'm sorry for what you went through,' but that just seems contrite and slightly condescending. I do have a few questions, though. I don't want to pry, but if you don't mind, I'd like to understand a few things better."
He seemed to be taking everything better than I had expected. I had anticipated his first words would be some standard generic statement of sympathy. I really appreciated that they were not.
"I've told you so much already. I'm not sure you can unleash any emotions from me, so go ahead. I'll answer everything the best I can."
"I just can't get over the changes I see in you since Thursday. You're dressed in stylish clothes, and you're hair… well, it looks amazing. I'm not just talking about your clothes and hair, though. When you came in today, you looked… I don't know… happier than I've seen you before. Is that his…"
Noah allowed his voice to trail off again, gesturing towards my wedding ring. Since I had not worn it until Saturday, I could not blame him for asking about it.
"Yes, it's the ring Steve gave me when he proposed about three years ago. After what happened with Will, I felt too guilty to wear it anymore, so I took it off before I left town. After everything that happened this past weekend, it just felt right to start wearing it again. I also woke up today feeling like I should go back to paying attention to my appearance. I haven't cared in too damn long," I explained.
"Scott, I hope you know I would have never said anything even remotely flirtatious if I had even the slightest inkling as to what you were going through. I can't help but feel like such an ass. But then I see you now, and it's impossible for me to not notice what a good-looking man you are."
Noah realized what he said as soon as the words left his mouth. I grew uncomfortable and felt blood rush to my face as I turned red.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for that to come out that way. Please…"
I cut him off.
"No, it's okay. I knew what you meant. Besides, as you said, you didn't know. Yes, your words scared me off a bit, but after a lot of thinking, I realized it would be stupid to hold them against you."
We both sat there in silence for a minute or so. I was too flustered to initiate any conversation, and I was sure he had more questions, so I waited for him to ask.
"You mentioned something happening this weekend that caused you to change your mind about wearing your wedding ring. Is it okay if I ask what it was?"
"It is. Like I said, I'll answer anything you ask. You're just trying to get a better understanding of everything that's happened. Honestly, it's nice to be able to talk to someone again."
I told him about the weekend, starting with my decision to cover the Spot while cleaning on Friday. I told him about my jog on Saturday. I did not tell him he was my reason for talking to Steve, but I did tell him I felt Steve sent me a sign telling me he wanted me to stop dwelling so much on the pain and begin looking to the future.
I knew he wanted to cut me off and ask about the sign, but I just held up my hand. I wanted to get the rest of it out before I got distracted.
After I told him about Steve's list that I found and my decision to replace the floors immediately, I told him, "Now I'm sure you want to ask me why I think Steve sent me a sign."
"Well, yes and no. For the record, I don't doubt you at all. I've always believed loved ones are fully capable of communicating from beyond the grave. I'm more wondering if that was the first time Steve sent you a message."
I admitted it was not, and started off by describing the more mundane things that had happened the previous two times I had gone to the cemetery. I even told him Steve had whispered in my ear once. Obviously I didn't tell him it was mere moments before I had first laid eyes on Noah.
I paused, trying to decide if I should tell him about the times Steve came to me in my dreams, but I figured I had already explained so much, and he had not freaked out on me yet. Besides, I told him what Will had done, and my conversations with Steve helped to explain a lot of my reaction. I decided to go for broke and tell him.
I was almost disappointed with his reaction. I had half-expected him to act like I had completely lost my mind, but he just nodded his head. When I had finished, I asked him if he thought I was just imagining it.
"Not at all. Besides, even if I didn't believe you, you believe it, and that alone attests to your sanity in my mind. Steve was such an important person in your life. It'd be impossible for you to not try to find some way for him continue to be a part of it.
"But I believe he did send you signals and spoke to you. The way you describe how unsettled you felt afterwards is completely different from how anyone would expect to feel, which is exactly why I have no doubt he did.
"Going back to the last two visits to the cemetery, are you sure you didn't leave anything out? You mentioned he sent messages, but you never explained what you were hoping to hear from him."
I could not answer his question, even if I wanted to. There was just no way I was about to tell the hunk of a man sitting across from me that I could not get him out of my head. I just lowered my head and blushed. He unavoidably noticed that I was unable to look him in the eyes. Fortunately, he decided to graciously change the subject.
"Will told me you are averse to all forms of therapy, is that true?"
"I don't need to see a shrink. I never did. I've always known what my problem was. Why?"
"Because I have an idea. It's not therapy, technically. It's just something I've been doing for a long time when I have a lot on my mind. I find it's a better form of stress relief than even working out, if you'll give it a chance, I guarantee it will work. Would you be willing to trust me?"
The twinkle in his eyes was back in full force, and I could not help but stare at them for a moment. They were just too damn mesmerizing. I did not want to say 'yes', but staring at those eyes, there was no way I could bring myself to say 'no'.
"I don't know, Noah. It's not that I don't trust you, but…"
"Great! Then it's settled. Meet me here Thursday at eight. Oh, and just to make sure you don't get the wrong impression, feel free to bring anyone else you want."
"You're not going to give me a chance to say no, are you?"
"Not on your life, buddy," Noah said with a laugh.
"Will you at least tell me exactly what we're doing?"
"I'll just tell you that it's an alternative form of therapy, and it's guaranteed to work if you just keep an open mind."
I was really skeptical, but knew I would end up saying 'yes'. He had readily invited Tom and Sarah along without me even asking, so I was not worried he might possibly misconstrue this as a date. I did trust Noah, even though I didn't know him well, and if he told me it would help, and it wasn't therapy, I decided to give it a chance.
"Is Will going to be there?" I asked him.
"Hmmm… I hadn't thought about that. He usually goes with me, but I think it would be better if he didn't. When he told me what happened between the two of you, it was fairly generic, how 'he screwed up’ and stuff like that. Granted, he didn't even tell me you were the same guy he was crushing on last year. To hear your side, I think he fucked up bad. Don't get me wrong, Will is normally a really nice guy. I'm not sure what the hell got into him.
"We had talked about the guy he was spending so much time with. He never told me what you had been through, just that he wanted to help. I knew he had feelings, but I thought he'd made it clear he wasn't going to do anything so stupid. "Anyway, if you want him there, I'll bring him along. Otherwise, I think I'll just tell him to sit this one out, if that's alright with you."
"That's actually what I was hoping for. I wouldn't mind being friends with him eventually, but when I see him, all I can think about is everything that happened that night," I told Noah.
I was grateful to not have to ask him to ditch his friend. While I did not want Will there, I would have felt really bad asking Noah to not invite him.
I thanked Noah, and gave him a grin. He responded in kind, and his eyes gave off their glorious sparkle. As I felt myself beginning to be drawn into them, I blinked to clear my head. He noticed, and we both looked away, blushing.
As we left, he stopped me at the entrance. "Just promise me one thing, Scott."
"What's that?"
I was a little concerned about the idea of having to make a promise about Thursday night.
"I just want you to keep an open mind. You don't have to participate if you don't want to. But if you do, I want you to really put in an effort."
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